Funny Headlines: Funny Breaking News

Dolphin Spy Thrillers

A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:

• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel

A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy…

Plotting Your Afterlife

Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”

Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania

Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”

Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania

The Best of The Onion Magazine Covers

• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work

• The 100 Worst Senators

• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan

Source: The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed an Undeserving World (Little, Brown)

• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work • The 100 Worst Senators • The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We…

Wanted: Cemetery Superintendent

“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”

A. S., via Internet

“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”

A. S., via Internet

This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:

“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”

Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida

“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”

Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida

IT’S CLASSIFIED

Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:

• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably

Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser

• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts

Source: Topeka Capital-Journal

• Free Vain Screening

Source: Boston Globe

• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman

Source: 11points.com

Submitted by James Hutchinson, Carroll Valley, Pennsylvania; Faith Adams, Topeka, Kansas; Annetta Boisselle, Melrose, Massachusetts

Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it: • Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably Source:…

Bad Typos in Real Newspapers

We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos:

“Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)

“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)

“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper

“A headline in an item in the Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin

From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir (Three Rivers Press)

We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos: “Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.”     Modesto…

Heading Off Criticism

Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:

Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless

Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”

Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement

Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”

Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica

Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”

From gcfl.net

Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines: Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement…

File These Headlines Under: We Don’t Even Want to Know.

•Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker

•FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant

•Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself

•Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby

Sources: Ottawa Citizen (Canada), ctpost.com, Associated Press, Toronto Sun

•Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker •FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant •Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself •Woman’s “Stomach Bug”…

Big Changes in Appleton

A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”

Allison Nastoff, Brookfield, Wisconsin

A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”

Allison Nastoff, Brookfield, Wisconsin

Department of (Ridiculous) Corrections

Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the importance of punctuation: “Top stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
Sources: jonathanturley.org, Washington Times, poynter.org

Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others: • NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.” •…

First Microbes Breathed Sulfur…

First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool

Washington Post

First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool

Washington Post

Stolen Prosthetic Arm…

Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop

Daily Echo, England

Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop

Daily Echo, England

Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate…

Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death

WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama)

Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death

WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama)

Hold the Presses!

Misadventures in headline writing from around the world:

City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan)

Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)

British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian

At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk

Misadventures in headline writing from around the world: City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan) Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison…

Headlines around America

• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon)

• 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors    (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota)

• Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances (Winchester Star, Virginia)

• Police: DUI Charge for Woman Celebrating End of Earlier DUI Suspension (Chicago Tribune)

• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons (Tulsa World, Oklahoma)

• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon) • 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors    (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota) • Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances…

That Reminds Me of a Joke (Counterfeit Edition)

Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill.
Source: Sun Chronicle (Attleboro, Massachusetts)

Here’s the laugh: A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks.

“Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?”

Source: propilots.org

Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill. Source:…

That Weekend is Killer…

Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.

Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.

Woman with Arms Held

—Source: Times of India

—Source: Times of India

Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for “Talking Stupidly”

—Source: La Crosse (Wisconsin) Tribune

—Source: La Crosse (Wisconsin) Tribune

Warehouse Worker Packing Stress Balls Punched His Boss in Face

—Source: Mirror

—Source: Mirror

Vladimir Putin Hires Boyz II Men to Boost the Russian Birth Rate

—Source: Daily Mail

—Source: Daily Mail

Torrington Police Search for Jesus

—Source: Hartford Courant

—Source: Hartford Courant

Suspected Beer Thief Leaves Liquid Trail

—Source: Charleston Daily Mail

—Source: Charleston Daily Mail

Stylish but Illegal Monkey Found Roaming Toronto IKEA

—Source: The Globe and Mail

—Source: The Globe and Mail

Study: Rich More Likely to Take Candy from Babies

Source: Washington Post

Source: Washington Post

Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25

—Source: New York Post

—Source: New York Post

Spay/Neuter Clinic for Low-Income Residents

—Source: (Lewiston, Maine) Sun Journal

—Source: (Lewiston, Maine) Sun Journal

Sun Is Too Round, Say Scientists

—Source: The Independent

—Source: The Independent

Self-Proclaimed Invisible Man No-Show at Court Hearing

—Source: The Daily Herald (Provo, Utah)

—Source: The Daily Herald (Provo, Utah)

Red Cross in Search of Donors with Low Blood Supply

—Source: Sandusky Register

—Source: Sandusky Register

Puerto Rican Teen Named Mistress of the Universe

—Source: Associated Press

—Source: Associated Press

Police Charge One-Armed Man with Unarmed Robbery

—Source: Masslive.com

—Source: Masslive.com

Police Arrest Naked Man with Concealed Weapon

—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, KY

—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, KY

Pair Banned from All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant for Eating Too Much

—Source: Telegraph

—Source: Telegraph

One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers

—Source: Tulsa World

—Source: Tulsa World

North Korean Historical Institute Declares It Has Discovered Unicorn Lair Belonging to Founder of Ancient Kingdom

—Source: Daily Mail

—Source: Daily Mail

Motorcyle Deaths Drop, but Trend Is Worrisome

—Source: Yahoo.com

—Source: Yahoo.com

Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself

—Source: Toronto Sun

—Source: Toronto Sun

Man Sues Wife for Being Ugly … and Wins

—Source: Fox 8 Cleveland

—Source: Fox 8 Cleveland

Man Married, Sentenced on Same Day

—Source: The Miami Herald

—Source: The Miami Herald

Man Executed After Long Speech

—Source: Boston Globe

—Source: Boston Globe

Man Denies Stealing FBI Car: “Just Here to Buy Cocaine”

—Source: TBO.com

—Source: TBO.com

Local Man Fails Breathalyzer Test Despite Eating Underwear

—Source: USA Today

—Source: USA Today

Lafayette Man Ticketed After Cat Refuses to Jog with Him

—Source: Denver Post

—Source: Denver Post

Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers

—Source: The Tennessean

—Source: The Tennessean

Good Smell Perplexes New Yorkers

—Source: New York Times

—Source: New York Times

Florida Man Dies After Winning Live Roach-Eating Contest

—Source: USA Today

—Source: USA Today

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

—Source: Tulsa World

—Source: Tulsa World

County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds

—Source: Register-Guard

—Source: Register-Guard

Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism

—Source: LA Times

—Source: LA Times

Area Man Joins Organization Where Nothing Much Ever Happens

—Source: Wall Street Journal

—Source: Wall Street Journal

Angry Nepali Man Bites Cobra to Death in Revenge Attack

—Source: MSNBC

—Source: MSNBC

Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself

—Source: (Madison County, Illinois) Record

—Source: (Madison County, Illinois) Record

A Fat, Mustachioed Orphan Finds a Home

—Source: New York Times

—Source: New York Times

Pasco Man Arrested, Says 48 Beers Was Likely Ten Too Many

—Source: St. Petersburg Times

—Source: St. Petersburg Times

Hold the Presses!

Writing newspaper copy is an art form unseen in these real headlines:

“Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-Pound Ball on His Head”

“City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells”

“Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum”

“Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25”

“Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police”

“Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors”

Writing newspaper copy is an art form unseen in these real headlines: “Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-Pound Ball on His Head” “City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells”…

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendants

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

Red Cross in Search of Donors With Low Blood Supply

—Source: Sandusky Register

—Source: Sandusky Register

Woman With Arms Held

—Source: Times of India

—Source: Times of India

Motorcycle Deaths Drop, But Trend Is Worrisome

—Source: Yahoo.com

—Source: Yahoo.com

Pasco Man Arrested, says 48 Beers Was Likely 10 Too Many

—Source: St. Petersburg Times

—Source: St. Petersburg Times

Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers

—Source: The Tennessean

—Source: The Tennessean

Poverty, Hunger Go Together

—Source: The Advertiser (Bastrop, Texas); contributed by Jeneva Leifester, Bastrop, Texas

—Source: The Advertiser (Bastrop, Texas); contributed by Jeneva Leifester, Bastrop, Texas

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